Due to due to an extraordinary case of commentatoritis, I will be replacing my Pistons-Bulls recap (Pistons lost by 7, by the way) with an absolutely necessary rant about recently-fired Houston reject Jeff Van Gundy, who now serves as a commentator on ESPN.

Van Gundy, who never really got anywhere in his 4-year coaching stint with the Rockets, seems to have taken up the commentator position for 3 reasons: a) because he’s bored, b) because it gives him a national stage to go on for 2 1/2 hours about what he hates about teams that gave the Rockets a hard time, and c) because he needs to tell the world how he would have coached each situation at hand with that .500 mystique of his.

The first instance of his rambling that ticked my time bomb was the comment he deemed necessary about how the Pistons are “the biggest whiners in the league.” Granted, we’ve all heard snide little side swipes about how the Pistons tend to argue calls more often than not. But Van Gundy relayed the point with such a passion, such a positive notion that the Detroit Pistons were officially the biggest whiners, hands down. Call me biased, but when I think of whiners, I think of Allen Iverson. I think of Kirk Heinrich. I think of Manu Ginobili. Sure, you might be able to tack Sheed onto that list, but there are 11 other players out there that aren’t Rasheed Wallace. And quite frankly, considering Rasheed turns out to be right about the things that he said he was right about, *cough* Donaghy, I don’t think anybody has the right to say a word.

[FYI: The Rockets squeaked out 2 wins by 12 total points in 8 meetings with the Pistons during Van Gundy's coaching term.]

All of you that watched and felt the same frustration, only came to find out that Jeff had decided to repeat himself- multiple times. Every time a Piston argued a call, sure enough Van Gundy chimed in, “See! What did I tell you? They whine about every single call! It’s despicable!” Since when did arguing calls become such a taboo? At least players that “whine” aren’t giving their teams unfair advantages, referring to the phenomenon we like to call “flopping”.

I’ll tell you what’s despicable, Jeff. It’s the fact that you can’t bank on gold when it’s right in front of you. I mean, surely you could have managed to coach the Rockets past the first round just once. It’s okay if you’re a little peeved that the Pistons can advance to the Conference Finals year after year, while your team continues to flounder around mediocrity.

As if Unnecessary Van Gundy Rant #1 wasn’t enough, wait until you hear Unnecesary Van Gundy Rant #2. When Jeff’s sane co-commentator mentions that Jason Maxiell’s teammates all love him, he also includes that his friends call him “Max.” This sends the Gundy machine reeling, somehow. When I hear “That isn’t a very good nickname,” I wonder- have my ears deceived me? Did a 45-year-old ex-NBA coach just tell the whole nation that Max’s nickname is unnacceptable? Surely not. But it was true. Why? Because it simply was not creative enough. I didn’t think he could put any more icing on that audio cake, but sure enough, he suggests that Max’s new nickname be “Eel” because of how he snakes around the basket, or whatever he was rambling on about.

Thankfully for most Pistons fans, we are blessed to have the option to listen to the soothing sounds of George Blaha and Greg Kelser when the going gets tough on the national stations (which is usually somewhere in the 2nd quarter, at the latest). I will close with a fitting “thank you” to George and Special K for being my saviors against the likes of Bill Walton, Charles Barkley, and now, Jeff Van Gundy.

Who’s next ESPN?…ABC?…TNT?

Hit me with your best shot.

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